WHEN GOD WRITES WITH CROOKED LINES

“You conquer me, Lord; you are much stronger and I let myself be seduced.”

What days were they! Days when I sensed the call of God, this mysterious God who is here and does not allow himself to be seen, the eternal paradox, he who wins my love and keeps the word forever.

A natural leader and more popular than coca-cola, no one thought that I could be a religious. I liked activity; I had friends everywhere; and if it was about going out, playing, running, and creating an atmosphere, everyone knew I would be the first one there. I was rebellious. Little did I like it when others told me what to do or contradicted me. Nor could I keep quiet before any injustice. I was always defending the weakest. Not the least of which was religion; I always defended it. I wanted to be a martyr and thought that I would give my life defending the faith. This pushed me more to have the courage to give my life fro Christ in the missions where they would martyr me. Oh! … How many dreams! He moved me to remains steadfast in following Jesus Christ, if he called me. In my fervor to be a missionary, I thought I would go to Africa, Japan, China, -- to the whole world! Never to live in a cloistered monastery. After all this was for disillusioned women, people who could do nothing in the world as women or as persons. My mother told me not to say such things about the brides of Jesus Christ. I answered her back point blank. “They are not brides of Jesus; they are parasites on society.” I remember that in my disappointment of not being able to enter the convent because I was not old enough, I felt the disillusionment of that ever present, “No, because you are too young.” One day I entered a church and went directly to the tabernacle. I brazenly told the Lord: “Look, Jesus, I am sick and tired of looking for you and of not being able to follow you. Starting today, I will forget about it. If you truly are calling me, you have done some particular things so that I can follow you. That way I will know that it is you who are calling me and not only I who want it. First, knock on the door of my house; call me by name and ask if I want to be a religious and tell me where. I will follow you wherever you say. If not, I will marry. I am not going to be waiting until you come.”

I left the chapel certain that I had made everything clear to God. At that time I was only 16. The next day I promised to marry the young man who was my boy friend. I spoke openly to him, telling him that yes, I accept his proposal of marriage but only on the condition that during this year nothing happens with my promise to go to the convent and that he would not intervene in any way. He accepted.

Despite the resistance of my parents and the unbelief of those who knew me, one calm spring night when I least expected it, they knocked at my door. I went out and they called me by name, asking me, “Do you what to be a nun in Amarillo, Texas?” At that very moment, I remembered what I had said before the tabernacle five months before. I said to myself, “It is now or never.” I responded confidently, “Yes, I want to.”

Three days later, I traveled to my place in “the missions.” A few miles before arriving at the convent, I asked the sister who had come for me, “Sister, where do you have your missions?” She answered me, “Here in the convent. We do not go out.” -- Oh! Oh! I felt that the sky had fallen on me and I almost threw myself out the window of the car. But I told myself, “Be calm. Be calm. We will see what it is the Lord wants of me.”

So we arrived at the convent, I with my thousands of doubts and questions. Entering the garden where the sisters were waiting for us and seeing them full of joy, the impression I had had of cloistered sisters disappeared.

The following morning when I entered the chapel and saw the Blessed Sacrament exposed, I felt that God had won in my life. He was stronger than I and I let him conquer me. Never had I had the grace to be before the exposed Blessed Sacrament and I could rejoice in this great treasure every day and night. I gave up my desire to be a missionary sister and abandoned myself to the will of God. I said, “Lord, I am your forever; take my life and transform my prayers into strength for your missionaries.”

Twenty years have passed and it seems like yesterday. He continues guiding my steps, making of my life an evangelical adventure each day, according to the spirituality of my preferred saint, Francis of Assisi and his faithful companion Clare.

Full of happiness, I join my voice to the psalmist’s to say: “Eternally I will sing the mercies of the Lord; I will announce his faithfulness through all the ages.”